I have been dealing with tiredness and drowsiness for a couple of weeks now. I attribute it to the seizure prevention medicine side effects and I hope I am right. Today I had extreme tiredness that I just could not seem to talk myself out of. I questioned my courage and fortitude. I made little self-judgments, beating myself up for not just getting up and getting through the day and stop whining. So anyway, an interesting thing happened at church. I was so tired and I thought, wouldn’t it be nice to go home and watch the soccer World Cup final game with my grandson? Then I started praying about it, which was appropriate since I was at church. I asked God if it would be OK, or if it would be His will that I went home and spent some quality time with my loved one. And I was just so darn tired! I again made little self-judgments, beating myself up for being weak and manipulating things so I could say, “Well it was OK with God so I followed His guidance and left church.” So… I left church and went home and watched the World Cup with my grandson. I dropped self-judgment, I dropped trying to say it was OK with God so it must have been the right thing to do, I dropped guilt about not being strong enough to beat the fatigue, and I just took care of myself and went home and enjoyed the game. And rested. And bonded with my grandson. I decided that sometimes I just get to do what I get to do. No inner dialog to justify it, no guilt, no beating myself up. It feels good. …Speaking of the World Cup, HOORAY FOR GERMANY! This was one of the very few times I actually picked the winner. It feels good.
Well shoot! So many lessons to learn! I gave my permission for a newsletter editor to publish my name on their prayer list. The list went out to about 5,000 subscribers. Sadly, when I read it, the quote said that “Glenda has been diagnosed with brain cancer.” UGH!!! I have NOT in fact been diagnosed with brain cancer. The meningioma is ON my brain but is not IN my brain. So when I read the newsletter quote I imagined 5,000 people thinking “Glenda has brain cancer.” Think about how powerful that can be! So the lesson I learn from this is to be very clear when I give permission for people to publish information about my condition. In addition, my reaction to the quote made me realize how convinced I am about the awesome power of positive and negative affirmations.If 5,000 people are thinking I have cancer, that is very powerful and could be manifested in my body. So…. after considering this I have chosen to envision those 5,000 people focusing on praying for my healing and disregarding the “cancer” word. Also, at first I thought that I would quit talking about my condition if people were going to think I had cancer. But then I decided that I will go back to my first plan, which is to share my experience and assume that people will think positive thoughts on my behalf. In other words, the more people who know about this, the more people will be praying for my best outcome. I hope this all makes sense.
I am extremely drowsy from the anti seizure medicine so I really do hope I am making sense. All I want to do is sleep.
I’ve been thinking that when I get home from the hospital after my brain surgery, I want to drive up to the front yard and see a beautiful, welcoming garden. Well, that would have been hard a few weeks ago because I have neglected my flower beds. So I spent the 4th of July weekend weeding and planting, with the help of several family members. One section of the garden was very much overgrown with periwinkle plants and I vigorously ripped it all out. It was choking a rose bush that had absolutely no roses on it. And while I pulled out the periwinkle I discovered a baby lilac bush. Very exciting. Well to my surprise and delight today when I got home from work a small pink rose had blossomed from the rosebush I thought had died. I am sure I am being over dramatic, but this had such a meaning to me! As I clear my calendar in preparation for surgery, and clear my surroundings, and simplify things, other beautiful things begin to bloom. This is another gift given to me by the brain tumor, and I am so grateful for these small miracles. As I clear the weeds from my life, small miracles reveal themselves. Relationships blossom. Gratitude blossoms. I notice what is important and what is beautiful.
Now that I have surgery scheduled for August 4th, it’s been interesting to see what bubbles to the top of things that I consider important. This weekend I decided that when I get home from the hospital I want my yard to look good. I imagine myself pulling up in the driveway and seeing a beautiful, inviting environment. And perhaps a healing environment. So I spent all weekend planting flowers and other decorative plants in the front yard. It was challenging because the seizure prevention medicine I’m taking makes me very drowsy. So I worked for a bit and then rested for a bit. I did my best work when someone was outside with me. I do love to talk! Anyway, it will be interesting to see what becomes important to me as the date of surgery approaches.I hope you enjoy this “view from behind.” I always wonder who is watching my behind when I garden!
I went to a neurosurgeon yesterday and was excited to learn he is “the top neurosurgeon in the world.” Wow! I gotta say I was not really surprised. Things keep happening that make me feel safe and loved and open to this experience. My surgery is scheduled for August 4th and all is expected to go well. So here is my plan: I only talk and think positively about this whole experience. When I think of the tumor, I thank it for teaching me lessons (like courage and patience), and tell it that it has fulfilled its purpose and can now move on. I envision the tumor looking forward to the the greatest neurosurgeon in the world opening up my head and freeing the tumor to move on. I envision the tumor being slippery and not at all hanging onto other parts of my brain. It will slide out of my head and continue on its journey to a place where it can teach and learn and do no harm. Thanks to Peggy Burkhardt, president of the American Holistic Nurses Association, for giving me this idea. I love it. I also envision the tumor being bathed in white light. This is turning into a wonderful adventure. I am taking anti-seizure medicine that is making me very drowsy but I am upbeat and happy. It might be hard for others to see it because I probably look down and depressed. But really – I’m fine!!!
Now that I learned patience (see my previous post) by doing a happy dance while I wait, I no longer have to wait for my neurosurgery appointment because it has been moved forward to tomorrow morning! That is a week sooner than first planned. Hmm.. I guess in life when we learn lessons, we move forward. So now the new lesson will probably be courage. Courage to listen to what the neurosurgeon has to say. Courage to pay attention.Courage to make decisions and follow through. As John Secada sings, “I’m free, I’m free. Things are only as important as I want them to be.”
My friend Barry Gallison sent me a card about strong women.It said, “Strong women are those who know the road ahead will be strewn with obstacles, but they still choose to walk it because it’s the right one for them.” Pretty hard to believe that dealing with a brain tumor is the right road to be on, but I have to admit I am learning valuable lessons. And I know on the days that I am not strong, I have others who will be strong for me. I am filled with gratitude. And courage.