I hope going through this health trial is making me a better person. Due to all the service that has been given to me by family and friends, as soon as I am well I will be a better person because I will focus much more on service than I have in the past. Not only will I care for others more, I will also take better care of myself. The only problem I have with this is that I’m saying, “as soon as I am well.” Will I really be a better person? Will I be more loving and kind, patient and courageous? That’s my plan and I don’t want to use the excuse of my condition to get me out of it. Life is about becoming the best me I can be. I hope it doesn’t take more trials like this to get and keep me on track. We’ll see. As I have said before, “It’s all good.”
I hope you had a great Christmas. This week is a sort of limbo between Christmas and New Year’s. I love it.
My physical health is returning slowly. Yesterday we had our first snow fall of the season and I love to shovel snow. So I went out and did it! I got dizzy a few times but kept at it. Now if my eyesight will just catch up with the rest of my body…
Yesterday I ran across a litrle card that was titled “Legend of the Dreambox.” It suggested “writing down your fondest dream, greatest desire, strongest wish on a small piece of paper, putting that paper in a Dreambox and placing it beside your bed. Every evening as you retire and every morning as you rise, hold your Dreambox and think on your dream, believing with all your heart that it is so. Legend has it, if done faithfully… your dream will come true.” This is basically a way to use positive affirmations, which I have full confidence in. Every time my husband and I have written down our goals, we have obtained them. Even if we forget where we put the affirmation, or forget it completely, the simple act of writing a goal down is powerful. So here are my goals and affirmations, which I will put in a Dreambox. I am going to use a copper box that one of my sons gave me as a gift a few years ago. Wish me luck!
My eyesight has returned to its pre-surgical acuity.
I can effortlessly see close up and far away.
I am wide awake during the day.
I am stable when I walk, lie, or sit.
My environment is stable and smooth.
I am happy, healthy, and whole.
I am always blown away at how helpful people are when they hear of my surgery. For example, I needed to do some final edits on a textbook chapter I wrote about a year ago. When the editor Eileen O’Grady found out about my problems reading, she helped me by doing the edits with me over the phone. She actually wrote the edits and I just answered her questions. What a blessing! Another example is how my husband did all the Christmas shopping. And my friend Carol Lavender takes me out every Thursday. These are just a few of the people who have helped me. One of the great helps is the positive comments written and spoken by people. No negatives. That has been huge in keeping my attitude positive and hopeful after these 4 months of recovery. To be honest, I fell kinda dumb still talking about recovery because it has been SO LONG, but my friends and family do not tire of my talking about it. I thought by now someone would say, “Get over it!” but not one person has exhibited impatience or lack of understanding. This is a long road and I am accompanied by people who love me. Thanks!!!!
My husband and I walk 30 minutes every day. Since the weather turned cold we go to the county recreation center and walk the elevated indoor track. It is located above the basketball court and there are usually teams down there practicing. There is a rail on the inside lane of the track, protecting runners and walkers from going over the side and landing on the basketball court. Interestingly, about 2 weeks ago while we were walking I got a strong idea to jump over the side head first so I could die. Weird! I am not depressed or suicidal, so I knew something was not quite right. I started having suicidal ideas whenever the opportunity appeared. So… I went to see my family physician yesterday and he decided these thoughts were side effects of my anti-seizure medication. He has cut the dose and I feel like that is a good strategy. My big lesson here is that recovery not only takes a long time, but it can be complicated. Medication can cause side effects and I must pay attention to odd happenings. My physician said it was important to keep walking, so I should start walking the mall or other safe place, like Home Depot, or alt least have my husband walk the inside lane. We walked the track this morning and I had no thoughts about jumping over the side, so I hope this weird side effect is going away.
I am finally feeling “present” enough to actually use some of the alternative and holistic healing modalities I have learned. Today I meditated for an hour and used guided imagery to imagine a healing process for the cranial nerve that is causing my impaired vision. I also put a couple of essential oils (Thieves and The Shield) into my diffuser to treat my sore throat while I meditated. I find that even if nothing changes, I feel better about actually DOING something instead of just waiting for nature to take its course. To be clear though, my vision and fatigue should naturally clear up. It’s just nice to help them along, so I don’t feel like a victim.
So far today I have watched 2 episodes of Star Trek:The Next Generation, The View, took a shower, meditated, and wrapped 3 Christmas presents. The Christmas wrapping was an adventure. The first gift I wrapped made me dizzy so I decided to wrap on the table instead of the floor. From the table I dropped pretty much anything I picked up, so I got some exercise picking things up off the floor. And I am glad Christmas is all about love and giving, not about perfectly wrapped gifts. Because mine are not pretty.
I am getting better at meditating. I aim for 30 minutes and the challenge is emptying my mind the whole time. I probably reach that goal 10 minutes out of the 30. I think that’s pretty good.
I get drowsy every day after breakfast so I usually lay down and rest. Then it occurred to me that I could take advantage of this time and meditate. I have meditated for many years, sometimes regularly and sometimes not. One summer I meditated every day for an hour and i must say that was the most productive summer I have ever experienced. Emptying my mind during meditation has always come fairly easy to me. I have now meditated for 5 days and I’m having a hard time being still and empty. Weird. Today I used a mantra, “inhale, exhale,” which worked fairly well but I still can’t say I reached an authentic meditative state. I will keep practicing.
Today was super boring. I was dizzy and basically had nothing to do. I watched A Knight’s Tale, 4 episodes of Star Trek:The Next Generation and 2 episodes of The Office. All this sitting has contributed to weight gain. I lost 10 pounds in the hospital and now I’m sure I have gained it all back plus some. But I’m not going to worry about that right now, especially since I really can’t cook much yet without cutting off a finger or making pretty bad tasting stuff. I do take a 30-minute walk every day but that doesn’t make a difference in my weight; it just makes me feel better in general.
I tried to write an article today about stress management but typing still challenges me, so the article may not get written. Interestingly, I don’t usually feel stressed, unless the boredom gets big, like today. But really, all is well.