It is nice to receive gifts unexpectedly.Today I received the gift of energy. I woke up and did not have my usual feeling of exhaustion and sleepiness. It was GREAT! I’m so excited! I did some housework for a change and did not get worn out. WOW! I had forgotten what NORMAL energy levels feel like.
I finished the last book in The Chronicles of Narnia last night. What a lovely experience. In The Last Battle the Unicorn said the following about the beautiful “new” Narnia: “I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this.” I love this quote because it reminds me that the longing I sometimes feel for a “better” life is natural and will some day come true. And today when I felt my normal energy levels return, I had forgotten what it was like to be alive and energetic. It is a wonderful reminder of how great life is, and simple things make a difference.
I just read on familypoems.com the following: “expectation postponed is making the heart sick”. I have been waiting since last Wednesday to hear the results of my CT Scan to see if surgery can be arranged to eliminate the pulsing vision of my left eye. If that can be done, then my double vision will probably be eliminated soon thereafter and I will be able to get back to living how I used to live. This morning I was deciding what to do today and the most attractive choice was to go back to bed. It was hard to motivate myself because I hadn’t heard back about the surgery. Well, the phone rang and it was my neurosurgeon’s office and I now have an appointment to confer with him next Tuesday. Hooray! I still don’t know what the CT results were, but at least I now have something to look forward to. Now that I know that, I no longer want to go back to bed. I am just enjoying the thoughts and feelings about the possibilities of moving forward. Yahoo!
I had the CT scan this afternoon of my face, focusing on my left orbit. If I don’t hear anything today I’ll call my physician’s office tomorrow. My neuro ophthalmologist is going out of town on Friday for a week so I hope she confers with my neurosurgeon before she goes. I’d like to get the surgery date set soon. Assuming the CT scan reveals something that can be fixed with surgery…
I thought I already blogged about the out of body experience I had when I was hospitalized, but I can’t find it on the blog and too lazy to keep searching, so here it is. When I had my second surgery, the one where they had to take out some of my skull to alleviate the pressure from my swollen brain, I had the experience. I had been in a coma and this is the only memory I have from the coma. As my body was being wheeled to the OR on a gurney, I left my body and hovered over it, looking down at myself. I always thought I would get excited to have an out of body experience, but I was peaceful and it seemed dreamlike, and a little dark or dim. I didn’t have angels visit, no white light appeared, and I didn’t communicate with anyone or anything, just floated and observed calmly. When we arrived in the OR I lay down next to my body and put my head on the lap of a nurse who was sitting by my body. Now the weird part started: The nurse scooped black balls of energy out of my head (my spiritual head, not my physical head). I knew that she was taking away dark energy and I felt that it was the right thing to do. And that’s all I remember. I don’t remember re-entering my body. After the surgery I came slowly out of the coma over the next few days and as I said, that’s all I remember from when I was unconscious. The experience, although dreamlike, was very real and I have no doubt that it happened.
When I was a nursing student one of my patients had an out of body experience where he actually left the hospital and viewed the city from an airplane. He also watched his own surgery at the time. He said he figured out how to leave his body and could teach people. A;though I didn’t want to learn how to do it, I was always curious what that would be like. Now I know.
Some people have asked if I was given a choice to return to my body or not, but it wasn’t like that at all. I am not sure why I was given this experience, but it has caused me to lose a fear of death. I know there is life afterwards, and it is peaceful.
Happy Valentine’s Day! A few weeks ago I went into a “New Age” store and browsed the beautiful art work there. I saw some raku ceramic horses and they “spoke” to me immediately. I loved them and decided that one would be a perfect Valentine’s gift for my husband. He has a collection of ceramic horses, and we have a picture of a “Wind Horse of Opportunity” by our front door. The story is that we can hear opportunity galloping up behind us and if we start running, when the opportunity (in the form of the horse) catches up to us, we will be able to jump on its back and ride like the wind. If we are not prepared, the horse (opportunity) will gallop past us. The horse I got for my husband is called a Spirit Pony. The tag says: “The horse teaches that real power comes from strength and wisdom. It requires love and passion in order to achieve.” There are lots of metaphors associated with horses and I’m glad I got this one – my husband loves it. Horses are strong, patient, yet gentle and loving. The ceramic horse I gave my husband is sleek and moving forward with intent. It is young and has a lot to learn. I love the world of metaphor and am glad I can look at this piece of art and be inspired to move forward and become.
A CT Scan of my left eye orbit is scheduled for next Wednesday, February 18. I hope things continue to move along nicely if I need surgery.
To avoid waiting I called my neurosurgeon’s office on Wednesday, to make sure they had heard from the neuro ophthalmologist regarding ordering a CT scan and scheduling surgery. I was very pleasantly surprised to be in direct contact with my neurosurgeon’s “coordinator.” She promised to call me back by Thursday afternoon. I said I would call her if I didn’t hear from her. She gave me her direct phone number. I was very impressed that she understood how hard it is to wait. Sure enough yesterday afternoon someone called and she said the specialists had discussed my case and she would schedule the CT scan and call me back. Now I am just waiting today to be called back. And of course I will call them this afternoon if I haven’t heard anything, or perhaps I will give them until Monday. We’ll see. All I know is, it’s nice to be proven wrong about having to wait for a long time to get some forward movement from my providers. Yippee!!
I am once again playing the patient waiting game. I am waiting for my neurosurgeon’s office to receive an email from my neuro ophthalmologist recommending a CT scan followed by surgery. My neuro ophthalmologist said if I don’t hear from the neurosurgeon to give her a call. How long do I wait? Since I saw her on Friday, I will wait until tomorrow. That’s 4 business days. I’ll call the neurosurgeon’s office to get the ball rolling. Wish me luck. A successful phone call depends on the availability of the neurosurgeon’s staff. My prediction is that I will continue the waiting game even after I make the call. So I will be proactive and envision total success on the call, which will mean the CT scan will be ordered and I’ll have an appointment made with the neurosurgeon. I am going to only focus on a positive outcome for this leg of the journey.
Life is a series of twists and turns. I went to see my neuro ophthalmologist yesterday and I told her my vision is pulsing. Very distracting. She diagnosed pulsatile exophthalmos. Seriously, that’s a real thing. The space between my eye and my brain has been reduced by the tumor surgery so my eye can feel my brain pulsing, which results in my vision pulsing. She said the only remedy is surgery, in which they will build up a padding to get my eye away from my brain. I must say I am not looking forward to surgery #4 but if that is what it takes I’ll do it. The good news is that I have a firm diagnosis and it is treatable. This also explains why it has taken me so long to heal. The neuro ophthalmologist said that we have been waiting for my eyes to focus together, but the pulsing is really preventing that. So I was waiting (I’d like to say patiently) for something that wasn’t going to happen. So she has referred me back to my neurosurgeon. He will order a CT scan to determine where the thinning space is located and how to approach the surgery. I will keep you posted.
I had a wonderful time in Charlotte, North Carolina for the Board of Directors Meeting of the American Holistic Nurses Association. I served as the Adviser to the President. I was so impressed with the professionalism and caring exhibited by all the board members. They got down to work and are taking their responsibilities very seriously, but also had fun with the process. Thanks to their hard work, holistic nursing will become very familiar to the broad population. That’s exiting!
I was thrilled to be able to travel alone. It felt like an important step in my healing process. And although I couldn’t read all of the handouts, I was still able to keep up with the meeting and just really had a great time. It is an honor to be a member of the American Holistic Nurses Association.
Two of my friends convinced me to use the airport wheelchair service for my trip to Charlotte, North Carolina a few days ago. I thank them for that. I was uncomfortable expecting someone to push me around the airport, but in the end it was the best thing for me. I got pretty dizzy walking in the airport, and reading signs was a challenge. Since I used the wheelchair service, by the time I landed, I wasn’t fatigued like I thought I would be. I also had pre-boarding status so I didn’t have to wait in long lines and worrying about tripping over anyone. I must admit that other pre-borders and wheelchair users seemed more disabled than me, but I shouldn’t have made it a contest. The bottom line is that I’m glad I did it, I have gratitude to the many people who helped me, and I hope that the next time I travel I won’t need special accommodations.