I really like to focus on positive thinking, but sometimes it is truly OK to embrace sadness and not deny what might be called negative feelings. Acknowledging feelings is important. So here goes: I have been sick with a viral syndrome (congestion, exhaustion, achy muscles, headache, nausea) for SEVENTEEN DAYS. In 20 years of teaching I have never cancelled a class due to illness, but I have cancelled two of them in the past couple of weeks. I am so irritated! As I said in a previous email, I have binge watched “Parenthood” on Netflix, graded papers when I can sit up, and gone to campus twice. I feel awful. I am plagued with guilt. And so bored and lonely! OK, see? I have embraced my feelings. That feels right.
And what about Halloween? Being sick makes me weepy and a big sadness has taken me over regarding Halloween. I miss my kids being little and going trick or treating. For some reason I can’t figure out, I just CAN’T stay home and answer the door tonight. It will just bring back wonderful memories of my kids and I don’t want to answer the door crying all night. And really, I just can’t give them a bunch of sugar, which is so bad for them! When I was a teenager my mom and I would go to a movie on Halloween. But if I do that, I will miss my mom! I never thought Halloween would be something hard to get through. I think the illness makes it so I don’t have the energy to go out with my grandkids, and the illness makes me sad. Not a good combination. I’ve looked up some things to do tonight and right now it looks like I will attend a religion class. I can just sit there. It will keep me from wallowing in self pity, and who knows, I might meet some nice people and learn something. Or perhaps I’ll be the only one who shows up on Halloween. Scary!!!
I’ve been sick with a bad cold all week. I actually had to cancel a class (I teach nursing students) due to illness for the first time in 20 years. I can’t say the students were disappointed. It’s a 3-hour class. For the first two days of illness I was so sick all I could do is whine and binge watch “Parenthood.” It’s about parenthood. I was struck by how much consultation and planning went on between parents. Honestly, while I was married it was rare that we made specific plans. We made goals. The ones we wrote down are the ones we reached. But, planning to have kids, and how many, and how far apart? Didn’t happen. We just let life happen. On Parenthood they made a big deal about deciding to have another child. They talked to each other for a long time. They talked to their extended family about it. Really? People do that? We just had the kids. When I went to nursing school, I really had no plans for when I got out. I would just be a nurse, whatever that meant. Then I got the idea that I liked to teach, so I went back for my Master’s Degree. Then I decided that since time would go by anyway, I might as well have a PhD at the end of it. So I got my PhD. Plans? Nah! I have just let life move on and see what happens. I’ve had a great life, but I gotta say I wish I had been more intentional and deliberate about things. Then perhaps I could say, “Oh wow! Look what I did” instead of saying, “Oh wow! Look what happened!” I doubt that I will change the way I approach things, because let’s face it, things have worked out well for me. But I do admire you planners out there. Very inspiring.
I went to a singles conference and dance at a local church yesterday. The conference was good, with workshops about communication, gardening, finances, and other things that older singles might be interested in, like applying for Medicare. Lunch was great. I met some interesting men and women and laughed a lot. I went home to rest before the dance, looking forward to the live band. When I arrived at the dance, it was like an orchestra, playing big band stuff, like from the ’40’s. I’m really a rock ‘n roll kinda girl so I was a bit disappointed. There weren’t a lot of people there, but I had a great time. Just stayed for an hour. I love to dance. I smiled and laughed and felt free and energetic.
Today at church I asked one of my friends, whom I had invited to the conference and dance, why she didn’t come. She lost her husband a few months after I lost mine. She said she really wanted to go but whenever she went to contact me, she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. She felt a lot of fear, but realized that she’s just not ready for the single social scene yet. I told her I completely understand. It got me to thinking. Perhaps I’m not ready yet. And perhaps I never will be. That’s OK. I do love to dance, and meet new people, and continue learning, but I’m not interested in or ready to look for a serious relationship right now. This girl just wants to have fun. And what does being ready feel like? I’m not really sure. I’ll just take one day at a time and enjoy what I can. And dance as much as possible.
Talk about live and learn! For the past two weeks I have been teaching classes about values and ethics. I taught nursing students how we make decisions based on personal and professional ethics. Ethics is basically about “doing the right thing” and values are about doing what’s important. Values and ethics guide our behavior. So guess what? Just before I taught the ethics class, I did something unethical. Ugh! At first I didn’t think anything of it, but as the days went by I was more and more uncomfortable with what I had done. I got up my courage and apologized to two of my honest, ethical colleagues. Bummer! It was hard to be brave and communicate clearly what a jerk I had been. They were gracious and understanding. And guess what? Next week I’m teaching a class on… communication! Really. Am I teaching or am I learning? What a great job I have. I learn far more than I teach. Life lessons are sometimes hard but that’s what I’m here for – to live and learn. I often tell my students, “Thanks for being my teacher.”
Last week I had two separate and opposite experiences about death. On Sunday I met with a friend who has been given “weeks” to live. She has the same diagnosis that I had (meningioma). She has three tumors in her brain. They are inoperable and growing rapidly. She is 69 years old and she wants to live until she is 70. She is very determined so she will probably make it to her birthday. Another friend of mine had a heart attack and stroke resulting in blindness, extreme fatigue, and a decreased ability to communicate. I think he is ready to go, but lingers on. We never know what life will bring. When we are ready to go, sometimes we hang around and wonder why, and when we want to live, sometimes death makes an appointment that we cannot reschedule. There are days when I am ready to go, and other days when I want to live here forever. It is dawning on me that living every day to the fullest is a good idea. I say that phrase often, but I don’t really do it. I have some seemingly small decisions to make, like whether to continue working full-time, whether to continue taking a class I don’t really like, when to go to Disneyland, etc. In order to enjoy life to the fullest every day, it seems like I should make these decisions and get on with it. These small decisions often end up making a big difference in how or if I embrace life to the fullest. When my appointment with death arrives, whether I’m ready or not, at the very least I want to say that I did my best to take advantage of opportunities and learn all I could. Live and learn. Live life to the fullest. I gotta stop just saying these cliches and actually do them.
My 13th grandchild, Miles, was born today. He’s the second grandson born after their grandpa died. I like to think Steve had a going away party for them before they came down here to earth. This newest little one was born in Atlanta. There really should be a law against kids moving out of state. I miss watching the grandkids grow and learn. I hope to go meet him in person in December.
Today was one of those big fatigue days. It often hits when I don’t have big plans. Yesterday I helped my son with his business and the fatigue hit in the evening. I still forced myself to shop for clothes (Who wouldn’t? There was a SALE). No church today so I just lounged around mostly, watching our church’s international conference on TV. When the fatigue is strong, I re-commit to going back to part-time work instead of full-time work next year. Then on days I am feeling energetic, I think I can conquer the world! But I’m pretty sure I’ll go back to part-time. I just wanted to prove to myself I can work full-time. And I can, but I also want to have energy to spend with family and friends, and doing it all is not so smart or doable. So next year – back to part-time. That’s assuming my chair person will agree to it of course.
Yesterday when I waited for the train to go home from my son’s business event, I ran into the exact same young man I met on the train last week. What are the odds of that? OK now I’m supposed to say something about synchronicity and “there are not accidents.” But you know that.