As you could tell from my previous blog my husband and I are planning to focus on what brings joy to our lives. This is more challenging than I thought it would be. I have been plagued with nausea the last few days (well, the last month actually) and it is tricky to focus on joy when I feel like throwing up! So planning a trip or joyous adventure is going to take some commitment. I have seen my family physician and am doing some treatment for the nausea so I have hope to feel better soon.
When asked how I’m doing emotionally I told my physician that I was really fine but I wish I could cry more to get the sadness out and expressed. Then this morning I went to Tai Chi and the instructor asked, just as part of small talk, if I was having a good summer. I just stared at her thinking I wanted to say, no I am having a terrible summer. My husband is dying and I can’t see straight and I am nauseated and tired all the time. What I said was, “I’m gardening this summer and it’s like a sanctuary.” Her simple question pushed my sadness button. I was very sad for the first half of the Tai Chi session and struggled to pull myself into the present moment and focus on the movements. But really, I don’t want to stuff my feelings, so I went ahead and embraced the sadness and did the movements. In the end it felt good and right to feel the sadness. It didn’t mean I am not focusing on joy. This experience is inclusive of mind, body, and spirit, including emotions. I joyfully embrace all aspects of this adventure called life.