Grief

Braxton, Storm, Grandma, Lincoln

Braxton, Storm, Grandma, Lincoln

I am really busy “processing” my recent life events. Yesterday I saw my family physician and he informed me that it’s possible this fatigue will never go away.  I went on a hike with my son Brad and his 3 boys. I thought it would be a good test of my energy. Well, it was a test alright. I had a lot of trouble balancing on the uneven terrain, crossing streams and climbing rocks. I finally sat down by a stream to rest as they went on ahead. As I gazed at the stream I enjoyed the beauty and then realized that, as usual, the scenery was bouncing, due to the hole in my eye socket. I got very sad and wondered if I would ever be able to look at scenery again without the bounce. I shed a few tears, which surprised me. Now today I am totally exhausted and as I process what happened, I’m thinking that I have never really grieved the loss of my health. A couple of days ago I blogged about how I need to embrace where I am now instead of yearning for what I don’t have. I am still committed to that, but now I’m thinking I may have missed a step, which is saying goodbye and letting go of my formerly healthy self. I’m not sure exactly what the grieving process entails, but I feel like I have grieved the loss of my husband but not the loss of my health. I worry that if I don’t fully grieve it, then I will carry some emotional baggage around that will prevent me from fully embracing the now. The story I tell myself is that Steve got sick just 7 months after my brain surgery. I was just starting to drive again and walk without holding onto furniture. I had to focus on taking care of him and put my health on the back burner. Now that I’ve said goodbye to Steve and cleaned up my environment (the garage, storage shed and cold room), it’s like my health has come back and told me it’s time to focus on me again. Is that why my fatigue and vision seem to be getting worse lately? And what exactly should I do to grieve my loss of health? I’d like to have a good cry but that’s kind of hard to force. Perhaps I should perform some sort of ceremony or ritual. I guess I’ll just stay open and see what happens. Life is a mystery and an adventure.

2 thoughts on “Grief

  1. William Morris said, “Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”
    It feels to me that you have poured love on this in your actual house and now you are turning to your physical/spiritual house.

    Heres to all the useful and beautiful things in your “house.”

    • Wendy, I love that quote! It’s a great guideline for when I want to decide to keep something or get rid of it. Not useful? Not beautiful? Bye!!
      And you are so right -now that I have remodeled and cleaned my physical house, I’m working on my internal house. Great metaphor! Thanks for taking the time to share your wisdom. It’s really got me thinking.

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